The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Year: 2009

Actors: Rosario Dawson, Paul Giamatti, Cassandra Peterson, Sheri Moon Zombie

Duration: 77 min

The film starts off à la Frankenstein with an Edward Van Sloan character appearing on stage to warn the audience before continuing on to a vintage styled cartoon opening credits with dramatic music. The film finally begins with El Superbeasto and his walking, talking cat Felix holding auditions for a 'big time move/art film' at his penthouse apartment where many beautiful aspiring actresses are in hopes of getting the role. He tells the actresses that he isn't a shallow director and is looking for talent more than looks, but he goes through rejecting numerous women (including Norma Desmond, Barbara Streisand, Liza Minelli, etc.) and hiring two very attractive and ditzy women. Beasto then films his 'art film' (which is clearly a porno) "Big Spicy Meatball Macho Man", where he is a nude stereotypical Italian chef called Luigi and engages in comedic, somewhat gross sex with the two actresses. At the end of the scene, when the full moon appears, the actresses transform into a werewolf and a Gorgon. Beasto stabs the werewolf with a sex toy and slaughters the gorgon by sticking her head into a ceiling fan. With his film wrapped up, he decides to wind down at a strip club, dressing up in a white suit and sticking Felix into his pants to make his endowment look large. He gives a bat exterminator an autographed photo of himself and a bumpersticker on his way out and drives off (but not before asking for his theme song to be played). At the club, called the Haunted Palace, he greets a waitress and converses with the alien bartender, making a reference to The Shining and ordering hot wings. Beasto notices the Bride of Frankenstein and quickly swoops in to flirt with her. Meanwhile, a helicopter flies in to land at a Nazi castle with SS werewolves welcoming the the commandant. As they march off, one werewolf stops in front of a door and looks around before unzipping to reveal himself to actually be a disguised Suzi X. Suzi calls Beasto, her adopted brother, to tell him that Operation: Iron Eagle is ready to go, but Beasto is too busy flirting with the Bride of Frankenstein to pay attention. Suzi charges into a room, killing two scantily dressed female Nazi guards on her way in, where a jar containing the living head of Adolf Hitler is sitting on an altar. She lifts the jarred head after getting past lasers and a giant spiked iron ball, but swastika formed dominoes are set off and activate the alarm system. Suzi is pursued by zombie Nazis to a door the leads directly outside with a deep drop. She pulls out a grappling hook from her cleavage and jumps down to her towering robot sidekick, Murray, at the bottom. Murray transforms into a motorcycle for Suzi to ride on as they are chased by an army of zombie Nazi bikers. As she drives off, Suzi's theme song is played. Back at the Haunted Palace, Beasto's lice shampoo commercial plays at the bar, which he not so subtly points out, but when a short werewolf patron gropes the Bride of Frankenstein and insults Superbeasto, Beasto confronts him and proceeds to beat him to a pulp, much to the other patrons' horror. The bartender tries to calm them down by pointing out that werewolves can only be hurt by silver, but Beasto realizes he is wearing a silver brass knuckle. He makes a run for it as the Bride of Frankenstein and shocked onlookers try to help the gravely injured werewolf. The scene switches to Dr. Satan laughing maniacally while he poops on the toilet. He goes into monologue about spying on women via cameras disguised as bats in his search for his 'future Queen of Evil' who bears the Devil's mark. His assistant Otto, an ape with a screw that makes him intelligent nailed into his head, enters to show Satan a newspaper reporting about him. However, Dr. Satan is angered that the newspaper is referring to him as his former name, Steve Wachowski, complete with a very unflattering photo of him unmasked. Otto tries to soothe his master by reassuring him that he is very evil and terrifying. Dr. Satan demands him to tell him (once again) about his master plan. Reluctantly, Otto goes into song about the plan: Satan will find a woman who has the number of the Beast on her rear-end, kidnap her, then marry her, thus turning him into a true monstrous embodiment of Satan. With renewed zeal, Dr. Satan commands Otto "to the joystick". Again, back at the Haunted Palace, Dr. Jackal/Mr. Hyde announces the next performer, Miss Velvet Von Black. Beasto is immediately attracted to Velvet as she strips and shows off her inflatable breasts and butt. From one of his cameras, Dr. Satan sees the mark on Velvet's butt and demands Otto to kidnap her for him, threatening to take out his smart screw or send him back to the jungle where there is no cable. Otto anxiously races to the Haunted Palace and has awkward small talk with the hunchbacked elevator operator. Velvet goes to her dressing room, taunting other strippers and counting the money she had received from patrons. She is interrupted by Otto, who tries to abduct her. Beasto, having followed Velvet to her dressing room to try to hit on her, walks in on them thinking they're having sex. But after hearing Velvet's objections, he barges back in to stop the kidnapping. Otto busts open the wall of the dressing room and escapes with Velvet thrown over his shoulder. Beasto debates over saving Velvet in hopes she would sleep with him out of gratitude for rescuing her or staying to enjoy his spicy hot wings (he chooses saving Velvet after drawn out deliberation); on the way to Dr. Satan's lair, the sassy and trashy Velvet and the sophisticated and snobbish Otto argue. Beasto rushes to his car to find Suzi X, cutting ahead in the long line of patrons waiting for their cars who he attempts to bribe to get ahead of them. Suzi and Murray are still being pursued by the zombie Nazi bikers. The chase ends with Suzi and Murray being surrounded by the undead Nazis and commandant who demand Suzi to return the jar containing Hitler's head. Suzi and Murray fight the Nazis when Beasto jumps in to ask Suzi for help. Suzi refuses to help him because she thinks he is asking for her help so he can get laid. Beasto assures her that it isn't like that (it is like that). Suzi agrees to find information on the ape minion who abducted Velvet while Beasto rounds up his old Latin gang friends for backup. Suzi throws Hitler's jarred head at the Nazis. Commandant Hess catches Hitler's head and he and the Nazi zombies rejoice their fuhrer's return. However, it turns out that Suzi stuck a bomb in Hitler's mouth which detonates, blowing up the zombies and seemingly finishing them off. Otto takes Velvet to the graveyard where Dr. Satan's lair is and for a second time endures a long, awkward elevator ride with the elevator operator. Meanwhile, Beasto goes to his friends' neighborhood but is greeted with gunfire and anger at him losing touch with them. It's only after Beasto plays Twister with them that they welcome him back and agree to help him. Otto drops Velvet off in a room then tells Dr. Satan she has arrived, though not without walking in on the villain masturbating. Beasto follows the trail of cigarettes left by Velvet to the graveyard. He decides to not wait on Suzi and goes in. After running into Burt the Creature of the Black Lagoon as he performs oral sex on the Bride of Frankenstein, Beasto is confronted by the large and effeminate lake monster guard, Krongar. Suzi is told by an alien chestburster at the Haunted Palace that the ape, Otto, works for Dr. Satan, which she shares with Beasto via phone call. However, the phone call ends when Beasto is knocked out by an annoyed Krongar. Dr. Satan is dancing semi-nude to "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugarhill Gang when Otto and Krongar arrive with Beasto, who recognizes Dr. Satan as Steve Wachowski, a geek who had a huge crush on Suzi and who was bullied by Beasto back in high school. Dr. Satan orders Krongar to knock Beasto unconscious again. Otto returns to Velvet's room while she's taking a bath to clean her. Velvet makes passes at Otto but the intelligent simian rebukes her. Beasto is found shackled in the dungeons alongside a geriatric wrestler called El Gato, who has humongous, iron prosthetic testicles. Suzi and Murray finally arrive at the graveyard leading to Dr. Satan's lair. She changes her outfit in front of Murray and the duo are found by the surviving zombie Nazi army. Dr. Satan shows Otto the Hall of Frozen Ex-Wives, an icy lair where Dr. Satan has stored his frozen 22 former wives. The mad doctor reminisces his failed marriages before ordering Otto to bring Velvet Von Black to him to proceed in his plan. Down in the dungeons, Beasto is horrified when he realizes that the dungeon also contains his two fears: his uncle Carl in a thong and an infestation of rats (which Uncle Carl poops out). Beasto tears free from his chains and snatches El Gato as he escapes the dungeon. Suzi and Murray, meanwhile, are cornered by Commandant Hess and his army who seek revenge against the duo. Suzi and Murray battle the undead Reich. Dr. Satan's plan seems to be working when he proposes to Velvet over a romantic dinner. Velvet, told that she will get half of everything Dr. Satan has by marrying him, agrees. Beasto and Gato make their way through the sewers, where they are met by a water monster controlled by a Japanese man. Beasto defeats the monster by smashing its teeth with Gato's iron balls and Suzi and Murray massacre the zombie army. While Murray handles the remaining enemies, Suzi hurries to Dr. Satan's lair, where Velvet and Satan's wedding is being held. Suzi sneaks in among the attending guests. Satan freezes Velvet because she is taking too long to get ready for the ceremony and has Otto bring her to the altar to finish his plan. Beasto meets up with Suzi at the processional. Beasto tells Suzi about Dr. Satan's plan and that he is Steve Wachowski. He has Suzi tag along in his plan to put a stop to the wedding: hiding under the stage that Satan and Velvet are being wedded on and pulling a rope connected to a bucket (à la Carrie). Beasto pulls the rope and the bucket falls on to Satan just as he and Velvet say 'I do'. In a sequence similar to the killing scene in Carrie, Velvet is knocked out by the bucket and the humiliated Dr. Satan transforms into a demonic monster. Satan knocks Beasto out and abducts Suzi and carries her off through a montage of the transformed Satan's rampage. Beasto, his friends, and a jealous Velvet follow Dr. Satan to a skyscraper where Satan is trying to woo Suzi. Velvet calls out to them through a megaphone. Suzi forces Satan to let her down when Velvet insults her. The women get into a catfight which Suzi wins. Dr. Satan declares her as his new wife and steps on Velvet. What he doesn't realize is that by crushing Velvet, Dr. Satan undoes his plan and is transformed back into his original form. Regardless, he tries to punch Beasto, but is too weak. Beasto beats up Satan and kicks him to the curb. Satan is finished off when he is run over by the retreating Nazi biker army. Beasto breaks the fourth wall and asks the audience if they want hot wings. During an interview on The Morris Green Show, Beasto performing "Working for the Weekend" with the band Loverboy. While he performs, Suzi and Murray engage in sexual games and the surviving Velvet (who now owns Satan's lair and is Otto's new master) loosens Otto's smart screw and has sex with him. The film ends with the elevator operator ripping off his disguise to reveal himself to be a buxom Southern woman named Betty Sue Lou who introduces Banjo and Sullivan as they perform at the movie's wrap party, but the band is shot by the guest starring character Otis Driftwood.

Genre: Action   Adventure   Animation   Comedy   Fantasy   Horror   Music   Musical   Romance   Sci-Fi